The Hair in Wallace and Gromit

I just added a new DVD to my collection this morning, a fun filled flick fest featuring all three classic Wallace and Gromit shorts. This includes "The Wrong Trousers," "A Grand Day Out," and "A Close Shave."

We all know that W&G is great because it matches up Gromit with worthy opponents in a WWE style head-to-head, (and also because it is hilarious, high quality filmmaking) but there are other reasons.









Grom v. Feathers.

This brings us back to a recurring Waldo theme:

HAIR

Hair makes the world go round. There's definitely a HARE in the new film, The Curse of The Were-Rabbit, but there is also HAIR. (Haha...get it?) While Wallace has none and Gromit has fleas, check out the sweet clay locks on these bad boys:

Lord Victor Quartermaine: Anyone would be a fool to hair-off verse this king of cool. Only problem?: He cheats. We all know Vixta' wears a false tupee, and is really as bald as Wallace, or even my Uncle Robby.

The true nature of Vixta's Hair is unmasked.

Since Blogspot often does not like to cooperate and leaves me stiffed for pics, I am renaming this post: The Hair in Wallace and Gromit-Installment I. This way there will be plenty of room for more later.

Rocky Road for The Da Vinci Code

Well, as if I had spoken too soon, the Code is up to no good. And this time, there's reason to celebrate.

The critics hated the Code. And here I was, this poor guy with liberal media conspiracy theories up to his eyebrows, figuring of course they'll like it, they hate Jesus.

But as the Code unfolds, as this pic from Google Images clearly illustrates, things turned out quite differently. It was a bad movie. No matter what it said, who it hated (Jesus), who was in it (Hanks), it was still a bad movie. Hence the equation:

Tom Hanks+Ron HowardxDan Brown-Jesus=A BAD MOVIE!

Come on you guys. This isn't Calculus. A movies website recently posted reviews at 6% good. OUCH! And yes, it did get some good reviews. Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper liked it. The New York Daily Post liked it. Let me jog some memories.

Roger Ebert. Yeah, that's that fat guy who sits on the sofa and does nothing. The guy who danced on the grave of Gene Siskiel.

Richard Roeper. Yeah, I know him, that's that guy who sits next to Roger Ebert. He said that every American over the age of 12 should see Farenhiet 9/11 in theaters.

The New York Daily Post. Oh yeah, this is my favorite part. These are the bozos who back in 2004 said that The Passion of the Christ was anti-semetic. They started the whole thing. This paper! I swear! You can tell they really do hate Jesus.

Next matter of business. Ian McKellen, a favorite actor of mine who happens to be openly gay, has let me down. Ian got mad at Catholics because of our requests for a "fiction disclaimer" at the beginning of the film, and called for a fiction disclaimer at the beginning of the bible. He just successfully poured a middle eastern country worth of oil on an already heated fire.

THE WON'T LET ME PUT ON ANY MORE PICTURES AGAIN! NOOOOO!

Oh well, I'll finish it now.

Next business: Albinos. An albino culture group got mad at the code. They claimed that there's too many evil albinos in movies, from that guy in the jail in Princess Bride to the dreadlocked freaky twins in Matrix Reloaded. So it's not just Catholics...I also want to raise another point, this time involving our fine friend Ian. Maybe the code is anti-gay. They cast a gay person as the bad guy...WHOOPS! I just spoiled the end for everyone at home! Oh well. No point in reading the book now.

Next business: Leonardo. Just a thought, but does anyone else realize that Dan Brown made a mistake in the title of his book? Any Italian or art scholar knows "da Vinci" is not Leonardo's name but the town he is from. It's like calling me "of California." Da Vinci means "of Vinci."

Next business: The Box Office. The Code is hurting here too! X3 has already made more. Code brought home an astounding 77 million on opening weekend, the thirteenth most ever. But X has a record-breaking 120, warping the Memorial Day record and a total FOURTH on the all-time list. Not bad you guys. And even after Singer left as director.

24 Finale

+
-








=

to
!





The 24 Finale was intense this Monday. It marked the death of Vladmir Bierko and Christopher Henderson, two terrorist big macs, all before the first commercial brake. Wow. President Charles Logan was FINALLY arrested, and much to the smiling faces of First Lady Martha Logan and Mike Novick, the good guys won in the end.
Or at least near the end. The ultimate twist of the season happened in its last two minutes, when Jack Bauer was captured by none other than the honorable nation of China. Why would China hate Jack? A relieble Culture that spawned the likes of Tommy Chong and Moa Zendong, I certainly don't see how this happened. Maybe they'll knock some sense into Jack. Either way, they're probably bringing him here:








I'll have to wait until next season to find out what happens. January 2007. Unfortunately for me, I'll be in Abu Dhabi, and may miss the action. I suppose I could always try to position my satalite, and possibly pick up some Jack in the late hours of the night.

Since I borrowed this equation technique from Edgar "Scanman" Morrison, I would like to remind everybody to visi his blog, which can be found in the links list, "sweet spots."

Plagerism

After several recent charges of plagerism on the likes of Big Lee and Fidel Giamatti, I've decided to put myself in the absolute clear. I would like to thank Google Images. Through Google, I was able to post pics from Paul Giamatti, to George Clooney, from 3 Six Mafia, to bad hair, from the Oscar, to Abu Dhabi. Thanks Google guys. We've worked splendidly together. I'm glad to give credit where credit is due.











GOOGLE IMAGES IS ILL YO!

Check out this freestyle rap:

"Google Images is ill, dawg it's in the mix,
That's where I go for my blog, to get my kick ass pics!"

Rob Gun

It seems my blogging influence is spreading, as I now am pleased to announce a new member of the blogging community. Rob Gun (fashizzle) of www.robgunblog.blogspot.com is a good friend of mine, as well as a pretty ghet ally, useful on today's street. The two of us are quiet the dynamic duo when it comes to freestyle rap.









You can't stop him in his Air Force Ones.

The Time 100

This may well be a tad overdue, but as a loyal reader of Time Magazine, it is my duty to analyze their choices.

This year, I was dissapointed. Al Gore, Al Franken, come on, these are just lists of Al's that they like. While last year's list was refreshingly un-celeb dominated, I'm afraid that just isn't the case. Both Best Actress Winner Reese Witherspoon and Best Actor Winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman are on the list, Will Smith is on the list, Puff Daddy is on the list. Or whatever his name is now.

The worst was Dane Cook. He's not funny. At all. Really. Dane Cook is not FUNNY! He lacks the distinctive and unique voices of his comedian peers. Sienfield's whine, George Carlin's high-guy vibe, Paul Giamatti's nosebleed, Owen Wilson's surfer boy. Ben Stiller's geek, Ellen DeGeneres's man-woman, Jack Lemmon's oldness. In place of all these amusing dialects, Cook sounds like he has this cold, this perpetual, never-lifting cold, this cold that goes down and kills your throat, makes millions of audiences hold their necks. And whatever happened to the whole "100 people who shape our world" garbage? Who's world has Cook shaped? How many people in Africa have been influenced by him? How many souls has he touched? ZIPPO!

The one exception that I am really proud of is the inclusion of United Arab Emirates Vice-President, Dubai guy Shiek Mo. Mo's the man. He's been building incredible skyscrapers, man made islands in the shape of the world, and now Earth's tallest building. Under the momentum of Mo, Dubai is now home to one whole THIRD of the world's construction cranes. Thanks Mo. You've turned my new home into a gigantic, adult playground. I think it's fair to say he's certainly accomplished a lot more than Dane Cook.

The End of Hair

Now that I'm ending my long series of posts on hair, I'd like to consider comments from my pals. This is like American Idol, we actually take into account what you say. Speaking of American Idol, Ryan Seacrest is another guy with pretty bad hair. And another one I thought of later was Donald Trump.


His hair is all fake and wierd colors and tupee. It's like he needs attention and he doesn't know how to get it. And Lindsay Lohan, my stars, she has bad hair. But it's been about 15 colors, so I can't get an up-to-date photo. Shame.

The only problem with this American Idol stuff is that only one person actually voted. Scanman, you just won a barrell full of street cred. We did, however, get some good feedback nonetheless. We learned from Antonio that Princess Liea's hair is great, but she's not cutting it good-looking-wise. And everyone seemed to like Aslan's hair. I disagree with the blogger who said that if he were a man, he would be hot. If Aslan were a man, he'd definitely be Jesus. Bobby M liked all the hair. Typical sissy Bobby M. Conan's hair was well recieved, and Hanks's dissed. Everyone liked redheads.

So after all this, what we really should have gotten out of it is not to diss TH or pray to Aslan at night. Not to dream of Liea and forget the 5th of November. What I want from you guys is simple. Next time you're walking down the street and you see hair, think about it differently than in the past. Not too much to ask, I hope.

I would also like to take this time to announce that I finally figured out how to put your Blog Buddies on the sidebar. Check them out, in alphabetical order and everything.

More On Hair

For those of you who read my latest hair update, I promised more. Well, I'm not the kind of man who gives up on a promise. More of the worst:


I'm sorry, wizard fans but the hair on Harry's best friend, Ron "poser" Weasley are growing proof that the devil can hit even Waldo-style orange locks. This shame of a hair-day gives a bad name to wizards, redheads, the English, kids, Western Civilization, and all humanity in general.





And last but not least comes this ridiculous display of feminitity that calls itself Tom Hanks. Yep. Code is bad. Hanks is worse.












Oh, and if manes count, add this to the good list.








I would also encourage others to follow Scanman's footprints and vote for the best and worse. We can make hair into a game. And if we can make something as serious as Hair into a game, we can make anything into a game! So long for now. See you late-hair.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGE!

As Saturday May 6th was the birthdate of George "stolen Oscar" Clooney, it's about time I say something nice about him. We can be civil here at the WaldoFiles. So I decided to do good and give cred to those who do good.

George did good the other day. He's been trying to raise money and aid for the Darfur genocide, and I respect him for that. Good job George!












He also shares a birthday with the greatest filmmaker who ever lived, Orson Welles.

HAIR

While blogging about Tom Hanks and The Da Vinci Code, the subject of hair came up. I looked back at my profile "random question": describe your hair from your last haircut. I answered, "red-headed and sexy." yes, hair is very important. But you see people with good and bad hair all the time. I've come to realize that hair is most important for fictional characters, who might excell or sink through those long, inspiring, hair close-up shots or character descriptions. Here's the best (and Worst) hair in the movies:

THE BEST:

The best hair of any character of course belongs to Princess Liea of Star Wars fame. Just look at it! It's so great! It also inspired the imaginary girlfriend of millions of 1970s nerds.






This is another guy with pretty cool hair. It has this reggae, Bob Marley dreadlocks look, while being Pirate and stuff at the same time! Not to mention the fact that the new movie is coming out this summer. I don't do advertising on blogs. Very much. Notice I didn't name the character or film.






Two characters with hair, one good, one bad. People who know me can tell which one without thinking. Miles Raymond (Paul Giamatti)'s hair is brilliant. Quite simply, it's so bad, it's good. He has that sweet roundhead look while being geeky, inspiring, thoughtful, and signature Paul. Jack (Thomas Hayden Church)'s hair, on the other hand, is a different story. It makes him look like a little kid! Come on Tom! You can grow better than that!






There's this late night host, an Irish-Catholic guy, who's hair reminds me of myself. Conan O'Brian might not be fictional, but his hair sure is dreamy.




THE WORST:





I feel sorry for poor Natalie Portman. After an outlash of George Lucas's imagination, she was tricked into making her hair some kind of Freak Sideshow Museum. And come on, George, you can't outdo Princess Leia's hair. Stop trying for a repeat. Here at the Waldofiles, we don't allow rip-offs.


It's a real shame when someone makes the list twice, but Natalie's display truely gives all hair a bad rap. The problem here? There's none! There is no hair! What the heck! And Hugo Weaving's locks are no walk in the park either.

We'll be back with the best and worst hair, yet again blogspot has denied me more pictures! Seven's enough tonight, but I was hoping to include Harry Potter and friends, and one last lash out at Tom Hanks from the Code. Untill next time!

GOOD LUCK! 好运!

It's true. I will lose 50 pounds, make it big in Hollywood, marry an exceptionally attractive Catholic woman, etc. Last night I ate out at a Chinese Restaurant, Chen Yang Li. It was simply delicious. When we recieved our fortune cookies, I grabbed one quickly. You see, I always get excited with fortune cookies, I am a collector of fortune cookie messages. I then saw that one member of our party was without a cookie. I am a generous man, so I volunteered my cookie. Wow. Look at that sacrifice, a true act of charity. A fortune cookie collector who volunteers his own cookie. That was when my dad, who was also eating with us that night, volunteered his to replace mine. Wow. That's a real dad. So when you get a cool message it's one thing, but after an amazing sacrifice and a gift from a real dad, then it's magic. I opened the message and it read:


"Your dream
will come true."

"Lucky Numbers 3, 7, 12, 24, 27, 33"


HOLY COW! Not only does this message bear the magic of sacrifice and real dad, but take a close look at those numbers. They include 3, the traditional "magic" number, and 33, the age of Jesus when he died and ressurected. What a great cookie! This is no ordinary message either. Most sound a little more wisish and long and stuff. This one was succinct, right at me, and clear to the point. My dream will come true.

The Sentinel and The Tub

Last night, I went to see Kiefer Sutherland's new film, The Sentinel, With blogging buddy "Big Lee", who found himself quite unable to order Regal Cinema's famous "Tub" of popcorn.









Lee was subject to hysterical laughter while an attractive consession stand woman eyed him in disgust. I, quite frankly, don't see what is so funny about the Tub. I can see plenty of things delicious about it, as we refilled the Tub twice. Free refills. Ah.


After seeing the film, I decided to take on a project never attempted before on the Waldo Files: a genuine film review. Buckle your seat belts, it's coming right at you.


WALDO'S TAKE ON THE SENTINEL

The Sentinel, staring Michael Douglas and Kiefer Sutherland, may be an enteraining film, but it's certainly no 24. The casting of Sutherland in a supporting role as Special Agent David Beckenridge may have caused fans to get their hopes up. I would like to tell those fans that Sutherland's role isn't big, and his performance is nothing special. Every scene with Kiefer and a gun is pure magic. Unfortunately, much of the focus is on Douglas, the hero the audience doesn't really want to be a hero. And don't expect Kiefer to wind up together with Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria. IT DOESN'T HAPPEN! I know I was disapointed.

The life-like handling of the Secret Service is interesting to anti-terrorism buffs like myself, and the opening scenes featuring legendary President Ronald Reagen are a treat. I guess the film plays well to conservatives, an uncommon but much-treasured trait for a Hollywood project. The characters, however, are shallow and undeveloped. We all wanted to know more about Beckenridge and Special Agent Pete Garrison (Douglas)'s relationship, and are left wanting more. The ending fight-scene is also very anti-climactical. Oh well. Always room for a sequel.

The Best and Worst of 2006

As the perceptive film critic I am, I can already predict the Best and Worst films of 2006, a year less than half over. But it's more than predictions. I read the buzz, I know the stories, I can probably already pick for 2007. You don't believe me? Listen up, you soon will.





Let's start with the worst. Did anyone guess? yeah, that's right, The Da Vinci Code. The most anti-Catholic and evil book ever written is about to become the most anti-Catholic and evil film ever made, except possibly Syriana. Publishers, you are lucky George Clooney never wrote a book.




For one thing, the film is sorely mis-cast. Tom Hanks falling in love with Audrey Tatou? That's more than just wrong. I'm pretty sure it's illegal.





Tom Hanks looking like a little rat.


Ha ha. I can so make fun of any picture of this film on IMDB! Too bad I can't paste to this site.
Another dumb thing about this movie is the plot. While it does well pretending to be legitamate, the story is hopelessly incorrect. Opus Dei, I'm pretty sure involves no monks, murders, or mortification. It doesn't even involve priests! HELLO MR. DAN BROWN? Opus Dei is for lay people, in other words, married non-clerical Catholics. And Tom Hanks's character is a joke. Professor of symbols? Who the hell do you think you're kidding? Symbols? There's no such thing as a professor of symbols. And that hair cut is even worse.



Oh, come on Tom. Give Audrey a little space.





E-NOUGH!










Oh my gosh, if I have to look at that hair cut again, I am going to throw up.



The film basically works around the idea of Tom Hanks bumbling around Europe, ruining the world one Catholic Church at a time. This is all while trying to deciper a puzzle. We look back to that first picture of him and just need to tell Tom, "Stop playing with your games Tommy. They said no to Toy Story Three."

Tom Hanks about to take a crap on the roof of the Louvre Museum in Paris






Whoops. I ran out of room on my blog. They aren't letting me paste any more pictures on here. Dang, I was just heating up. To be continued....

20th Post

This is my 20th post. Ahhh.

For this very special post, I have decided to follow the lead of the influential Big Lee. Trivia!

Who can answer this question?

What famous comedian narrated Thomas the Tank Engine video tapes for much of the 1990s, passing the role on to Alec Baldwin in 1998?

Good luck!

Where's Waldo?

I have taken the time to announce a brand new blog solely for the purpose of publishing compositions from my memoirs. My remnissances. Or however you spell that. The link is:



That's woodybook.blogspot.com everyone. Please read the compostits. I hope that someday a New York hotshot will buy into my crap and publish it in hardcover under the title: Where's Waldo?

That is a picture of the greatest book ever written, The very Holy Bible. The second greatest book ever written is of course the screenpley to Snakes on a Plane. The worst is The Da Vinci Code.

Celebrity Spotlight On: Chuck Norris

Since two of my blogging comrades have blogged about Chuck Norris, it's about time I jump on the bandwagon and blog about him too.

While Big Lee and Edgar Morrison have cited many important facts about the star, there are some vital characteristics which were not touched upon. Norris is an infamous Hollywood Conservative, a phenomenon almost unheard of in out times of Liberal Media bias. This is a prime example of how America can and does beat out the media. Although pressed by his Clooney-esque peers into a state of "F-List" or "Z-List" Hollywood, Norris has something of a cult apeal. A following. A fan bonanza. Facts about Norris rage across the internet in a frenzy of kick-ass.

Another "fact" about Chuck Norris not frequently touched upon is his Christianity. Visit the Official Chuck Norris Site for more details.

In an interview with Time magazine that confronted his uncommon Conservative beliefs, Norris quiped, "If I ever found a Democrat I liked, I'd vite for him too." 'At a boy, Chuck!














I would also like to mention that his SUV is not for tree-huggers.

24 Update

This Monday's episode was intense. The President is a terrorist! How is this possible? If the terrorists listen to the President, are they still considered terrorists? Hmmm. That's a toughie. That may be one for Fidel Giamatti to answer. He proved himself a genius in his denouncing of George Clooney.
Now that the president is a terrorist, there are few the audience can still trust at the White House. Now it's up to Mike Novick, Chief of Staff previously referred to on this blog as "Dick Cheney and Paul Giamatti's love child", to save the day.

I hope those pictures don't come out too fuzzy. Either Mike saves the day, or Jack Bauer blows up the entire country and kicks the president's ass and there are never any problems again.
I just realized something. If the gas is being released in Los Angeles, that means that most of the liberal media's dwelling holes will be destroyed and killed! Wow! Maybe I should start routing for the terrorists. Nah. I have too much Anti-Terrorism in my blood. Plus, George Clooney lives in Italy.

April Fool's Day Asshole of the Year Award

At this time of the year, April Fool's Day, the Waldo J. Cartridge foundation gives an award to the biggest asshole. This year, the foundation unanimously crowned George Clooney not only the biggest asshole alive today, but also the biggest asshole in the history of the world. In fact, he is such an outstanding asshole that he was decided to epitomise the term asshole, be a perfect textbook definition of asshole, and may be up for disscusion as wikipedia's entry for asshole re-direct. Other names mentioned were Osama Bin Laden, Barbara Streissand, Jane Fonda, Michael Moore, Hilary Clinton, Adolf Hitler, and Satan, but Clooney was chosen as far more of an asshole than any of these. One member of the Waldo Foundation, John Guttenhiemer, is fond of Clooney and voted against the choice, but dots were connected proving he was not eligable for voting. Guttenhiemer is a former Communist party member in the USSR. Hint hint. Wink wink.



George Clooney is such an asshole, I just can't get over it. He is just so damn arrogant it disgusts anyone who has ever met him. In fact, doctors have noticed a GCSPS, or a George Clooney Sparked Puking Syndrome, all across the great state of California. Asshole thinks he can be a smartass about polotics. Son of a gun doesn't even live in the United States! He inhabits a villa in Italy which he bought from John freaking Kerry! And now he's on the news because he sold some stuff from award shows to help the hurricane. I want to make this clear: George Clooney gave absolutely nothing to help the hurricane. He simply gave a basket of worthless crap to a random person who in turn gave money to the hurricane. As Jesus tells us, the greatest gift is not from the person who gives the most money, it is from he who makes the biggest sacrifices. That person is certainly not George Clooney. He was probably going to throw that stuff out anyway. I wouldn't take that Oscar garbage is you paid me!

The Waldo Foundation has decided that next year there will be no Asshole award, as no one could possibly uncrown this year's winner. This is an asshole for the ages.