The First Ever Published Experts From the Chapter One of The Waldo J. Cartridge Book

All right, I admit, I tried to publish all 65 pages on Wikipedia before. I decided it was a bad idea.

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“What’s your name, young man?”
“I’m Waldo Cartridge, but I get Woody a lot.”
This was actually the truth. I mean, I can’t lie here, I had a certain tendency for lying about my name. All right, all right, I can’t fool you guys. I like to say my name is Matt Damon and a do a little voice for myself there. But hell, I’m here for an interview, I gotta stay clean.

* * * * * *

And so I’m in my apartment’s little first floor fast food. I got myself a lobster roll and it is mighty fine. Ummmm...lobster works for me pretty well. I like the way the juice drips down your chin...ohhh...lobster. And I’m enjoying myself. You know, maybe Reel-Brothers wasn’t the one for me. I mean, everything happens for a reason, which is always a good thing. I guess god just wanted me to screw up again. Or at least, that’s the way it seems. It always ends up in the toilet. Hell, maybe I’m the only one man enough to look into zoo-keeping as a living anyway, but I’m certainly the only one I know who got elephant-no it was rhino-crap all over my new suit.

* * * * * *
And now look what we have, the whole time I’m wasting good snazzy ones on bearded and apron-ed first floor fast food folks, my damn blackberry’s ringing. Now that is a great invention. The blackberry. Man, oh man, do I love my blackberry. I believe it was invented by some hefty Turkish guy. Yeah, that’s right, I read that in a magazine on the toilet waiting at the barbers. (Damn, that sentence had a lot of prepositions, I’m getting slow here.) And, in a matter of speaking, excuse me, manner of speaking, I told you guys I was getting slow, I’m fricen’ addicted to it. That’s right, the big revelation, the confession of the year, I am an addict. But if you knew your blackberry, you’d be an addict too, I swear on the holy blackberry. Seriously, the thing don’t let you go. Blackberry anonymous, that would be a great club. Maybe I should try that on out as a get rich quick scheme.


All for now. Maybe some more later.

24

I made up a new card game. It's called BlackJackBauer. The players get two cards and try to add their values as close to 24 as possible. If they are over it is called a "bust" and the player is shot above the kneecap and loses. Since it is a peaceful game, we shoot you above the kneecap so you can still walk. The kit goes on sale now, it comes with a labtop computer, a gun, a CTU keycard, Sentox Nerve Gas, and a 24-themed deck of cards. The cards have pictures of characters on them. Jack is a Jack. Bill is an Ace. Chloe is a Queen and Edgar is a king. Lynn McGill is the two of clubs. Audrey is not in the deck because we don't know if she's a terrorist or not yet.

UAE

Did anyone guess them all? The first picture is of the golf clubhouse in Abu Dhabi, where I will soon be reclining with a Cuban cigar and a tabloid, after a really crappy round of golf. It's in the shape of a falcon, as falconry is a real hot sport over there. There's an annual golf tournament in Abu Dhabi, which Tiger Woods is known to attend every year. I would like to take this time to denounce all blasfemous rumors, no, Tiger Woods is not really my uncle.

The next picture is of "The World." It's a bunch of man-made islands in a ambitious real estate campaign. You buy an island, say Australia or something, and build your dream home. That's the idea. The islands are visible from space.

The next picture is of "the palm." Same idea as the world. Yeah, yeah, big deal. The campaign slogan was, "The palm put Dubai on the map. The world puts the map on Dubai." Pretty slick.

The next picture is of a hotel in Dubai in the shape of a giant boat sail. Very swanky, upscale place. Type of place they only let Waldo J. Cartridge and a few catholic women into.

The last picture is an ariel view of the beautiful city of Abu Dhabi.

Did you guess them all? Good. I can't really give you anything, but you get some pretty dangerous bragging rights.

Abu Dhabi

Ahh. The beautiful country of the United Arab Emirates. What a wonderful place to live.

I'M MOVING

It's true. I won't be living at home next year, but I plan to come back the year after that. I can tell anyone more about it at "work" on Monday.

South Park: Guardians of Morality and Quality

Some of you are probably thinking, how can this loser say South Park is so great. Well, if any of thsoe people have been reading the celebrities columns, they can get where I want you guys to get to. South Park is now a conservatives Hollywood haters best friend.

You guys know Tom Cruise, you know John Travolta. Guys who get gigs not because they are good in films but because they're liberal and moderately attractive. They are also scientologists, the absolute wierdest religon on the planet. It involves aliens coming down to earth, jumping on sofas, and having a hippy follow you around EVERYWHERE in a kind of voluntary stalking. Nothing wrong with that, if that's what you believe. I believe Jesus's blood fills up millions of cups around the world every other hour. Except on Good Friday of course. That's just me. But this guy who voices Chef, a character on the show, quits because Mat Stone and Trey Parker want to make fun of scientology. Then a war against the religon starts on the show. I would like to applaud the war effort. I'm not saying I wouldn't be mad if Catholics got dissed on my show, but this Chef guy has stood around and watched millions of people get dissed up, not saying a peep. Even I can make good natured jokes at my own faith, ask my Jewish friend. We have friendly religious humor.

This week Chef got joined a "Club" on the show, one that turns kids into child molesters. (Hmmm...Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?) While his friends tell him not to go, he ends up dying. He falls off a cliff, is burned, stabbed, and mauled apart by a bear. His friends then give him a touching ulogy about how it wasn't his fault he "left" them, and that the club was dangerous and tore him right apart. Very nice. Pretty obvious symblism if you ask me.

As a person, I can see how this material is offensive. As a conservative Catholic American media hater, I cheer the show on.

Annie Proulx: The Woman

This week's entertainment spotlight is on Brokeback Mountain author Annie Proulx. You're probably all thinking, Waldo's a fri'in conservative, how did Brokeback start getting his praise? Is Woody finally coming out of the closet? The answer to those questions is No, no no no. But you're getting close. This week's Time magazine taught me that Proulx can now be considered a hero in the eyes of Hollywood bashers.

In response to her loss on Sunday, Annie had a few words to say to Hollywood bigwigs. I once promised myself never to use words like that in jounalism, I'm sorry, now it's over. She dissed up Crash, letting Paul Haggis know how she felt about it's weak plot and lack of complexity. She dubbed it "Trash". Then she called the Oscars a "small-town talent show night!" Yeah baby! You go girl! After all, in a strong talent show of the like, Paul Giamatti would definitely be worthy of an award. I know, I still haven't even gotten over that one. Then Proulx went on to diss Three 6 Mafia! Wow! When did they get dragged into this one? I love you Annie! It was "artocious!" Go get 'em!




Mafia.






An all around excelent performance, dissing the "dim" crowd of Sunday night biggots. Very good Annie.

24 Update

Oh my gosh, 24 was intense on Monday. Nobody died, and there was all that Collette and Tao nonsense. I thought this episode was going to be a fun ride, a hiatus from all the intensity last couple weeks. If you don't know what that word means, look it up. But then it all came down to the last five seconds, as Don Cheadle reminds us so well on those beautiful NFL playoffs commercials. AUDREY MIGHT BE BAD! EVIL! NAUGHTY! This screws up everything. If this is true, then I am so taking this as an oppurtuity to blame liberal media. Look what they've done already. David Palmer, everyone's favorite president. Democrat. Charles Logan. Weak boy with Dick Cheney and Paul Giamatti's love child as a chief of staff. Republican. I was overjoyed when I found the show made Audrey and her father GOPs. I should have known it was too good to be true.

Audrey might be a TERRORIST!

This season's real unfortunate victim is nice guy Bill Buchanan, in my humble opinion. Bill got cheated away his job for the SECOND time last Monday. I hope black man hero Curtis Manning (and how perfect a name they picked for his character, really) can Section 112 DOHS. (Department of Homeland Security). That's all for this week, maybe I'll update again later. Monday night. Lots of popcorn.

MARCH DAY

March 21st, more commonly known as March Day, is the day in which we celebrate the accomplishments and groundbreaking movements of Million Man March. The Rev. Jesse Jackson was the major organizer of the March, and he is recognized above all others for his keen perceptions and sheer courage as he preached messages of peace, acceptance and love throughout the USA.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Fidel Giamatti vs. Big Lee Feud

This feud between two of my tightest buddies is getting out of hand. They used to be as tight as Paul Lennon's new leather pants. Now, a nasty feud. For the record, this is what Fidel Giamatti really looks like.

This is his mother.

Irish in Entertainment

For the annual St. Patrick's Day Irish in Entertainment Award, there were two individuals we decided to honor.

Brenden Gleeson, an Irish public school teacher turned actor, is the man behind the colorful new Hogwarts professor in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. As his performance was critically acclaimed and certainly a break-out, we agreed unanimously that his contributions were worth recognition.

And of course it goes without saying that Bono stands out among Irish entertainers. 2005-2006 has been a great year for the star, featuring a Time magazine choice as a co-man of the year and a hugely successful night at the Grammies.

St. Patrick's Day

As a proud Irish-American with sexy red locks, St. Patrick's Day is one of the most important days of the year. I wish everyone a happy St. Patrick's Day! Especially Irish people!

Entertainment Update

Hey everyone, fans, friends, and just normal people who found this site. In my files I generally like to write updates and news about the best you can find in entertainment. Right now, for me, the best you can get is obvious. Has anyone heard of the thrilling FOX hit primetime series 24? If you haven't, I would best advise you to start hearing about it right now. It's simply a great show with great concept and great acting. It's just great. While I'd love to give it a professional review, the personal entertainment of myself renders all of that impossible. I feel too much joy and connection to the show. I almost cried after the silent clock homage to deceased CTU legend Edgar Stiles. I find it in my duty to get some other people there crying with me, every Monday night.

Nerd Squad: 3.15.2006

So if anyone thinks since I posted my last that they have earned the rights stated above, they are strongly encouraged to send me a message.

I have some news for today. This is Waldo J. Cartridge, files from the Nerd Squad.

Today at work, I met up with some men who desperately need my assistance. Really. A band by the name of Bombs Away has found me out and recruited myself to write and direct a mockurockudocumentary. In the spirit of This Is Spinal Tap, I have already begun the screenplay. I will continue to update this report if any news comes about under the present subject.


My Wikipedia page (user:Waldo J. Cartridge) has opened to blazing success. While under a state of pure excitement based on the fact that a guest could edit anything, I quickly got to work at adding my name to the cast of any film I could think of. Enthralled that my own name remained on the site, I opened up a new bottle of Pinot Noir, 1953, to celebrate. Unfortunately, I was quite wrong to jump to such ignorant conclusions. I found the next morning that the site captains were disgusted at my acts of "vandalism". I believe they misunderstood, Waldo J. Cartridge doesn't do vandalism or anything of the like. Waldo J. Cartridge is a good Catholic and dang proud. What Waldo J. Cartridge does do is take advantage of advantageous site features and use them to work a mutual benifit, as he very well should. The site presidents were rather pissed at poor Waldo, though he remained quite curteous to them.

Waldo J. Cartridge

Hello everyone. My name is Waldo J. Cartridge, but my friends call me Woody. Please feel free to earn the privelage to call me Woody.