GOOD LUCK! 好运!

It's true. I will lose 50 pounds, make it big in Hollywood, marry an exceptionally attractive Catholic woman, etc. Last night I ate out at a Chinese Restaurant, Chen Yang Li. It was simply delicious. When we recieved our fortune cookies, I grabbed one quickly. You see, I always get excited with fortune cookies, I am a collector of fortune cookie messages. I then saw that one member of our party was without a cookie. I am a generous man, so I volunteered my cookie. Wow. Look at that sacrifice, a true act of charity. A fortune cookie collector who volunteers his own cookie. That was when my dad, who was also eating with us that night, volunteered his to replace mine. Wow. That's a real dad. So when you get a cool message it's one thing, but after an amazing sacrifice and a gift from a real dad, then it's magic. I opened the message and it read:


"Your dream
will come true."

"Lucky Numbers 3, 7, 12, 24, 27, 33"


HOLY COW! Not only does this message bear the magic of sacrifice and real dad, but take a close look at those numbers. They include 3, the traditional "magic" number, and 33, the age of Jesus when he died and ressurected. What a great cookie! This is no ordinary message either. Most sound a little more wisish and long and stuff. This one was succinct, right at me, and clear to the point. My dream will come true.

The Sentinel and The Tub

Last night, I went to see Kiefer Sutherland's new film, The Sentinel, With blogging buddy "Big Lee", who found himself quite unable to order Regal Cinema's famous "Tub" of popcorn.









Lee was subject to hysterical laughter while an attractive consession stand woman eyed him in disgust. I, quite frankly, don't see what is so funny about the Tub. I can see plenty of things delicious about it, as we refilled the Tub twice. Free refills. Ah.


After seeing the film, I decided to take on a project never attempted before on the Waldo Files: a genuine film review. Buckle your seat belts, it's coming right at you.


WALDO'S TAKE ON THE SENTINEL

The Sentinel, staring Michael Douglas and Kiefer Sutherland, may be an enteraining film, but it's certainly no 24. The casting of Sutherland in a supporting role as Special Agent David Beckenridge may have caused fans to get their hopes up. I would like to tell those fans that Sutherland's role isn't big, and his performance is nothing special. Every scene with Kiefer and a gun is pure magic. Unfortunately, much of the focus is on Douglas, the hero the audience doesn't really want to be a hero. And don't expect Kiefer to wind up together with Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria. IT DOESN'T HAPPEN! I know I was disapointed.

The life-like handling of the Secret Service is interesting to anti-terrorism buffs like myself, and the opening scenes featuring legendary President Ronald Reagen are a treat. I guess the film plays well to conservatives, an uncommon but much-treasured trait for a Hollywood project. The characters, however, are shallow and undeveloped. We all wanted to know more about Beckenridge and Special Agent Pete Garrison (Douglas)'s relationship, and are left wanting more. The ending fight-scene is also very anti-climactical. Oh well. Always room for a sequel.

The Best and Worst of 2006

As the perceptive film critic I am, I can already predict the Best and Worst films of 2006, a year less than half over. But it's more than predictions. I read the buzz, I know the stories, I can probably already pick for 2007. You don't believe me? Listen up, you soon will.





Let's start with the worst. Did anyone guess? yeah, that's right, The Da Vinci Code. The most anti-Catholic and evil book ever written is about to become the most anti-Catholic and evil film ever made, except possibly Syriana. Publishers, you are lucky George Clooney never wrote a book.




For one thing, the film is sorely mis-cast. Tom Hanks falling in love with Audrey Tatou? That's more than just wrong. I'm pretty sure it's illegal.





Tom Hanks looking like a little rat.


Ha ha. I can so make fun of any picture of this film on IMDB! Too bad I can't paste to this site.
Another dumb thing about this movie is the plot. While it does well pretending to be legitamate, the story is hopelessly incorrect. Opus Dei, I'm pretty sure involves no monks, murders, or mortification. It doesn't even involve priests! HELLO MR. DAN BROWN? Opus Dei is for lay people, in other words, married non-clerical Catholics. And Tom Hanks's character is a joke. Professor of symbols? Who the hell do you think you're kidding? Symbols? There's no such thing as a professor of symbols. And that hair cut is even worse.



Oh, come on Tom. Give Audrey a little space.





E-NOUGH!










Oh my gosh, if I have to look at that hair cut again, I am going to throw up.



The film basically works around the idea of Tom Hanks bumbling around Europe, ruining the world one Catholic Church at a time. This is all while trying to deciper a puzzle. We look back to that first picture of him and just need to tell Tom, "Stop playing with your games Tommy. They said no to Toy Story Three."

Tom Hanks about to take a crap on the roof of the Louvre Museum in Paris






Whoops. I ran out of room on my blog. They aren't letting me paste any more pictures on here. Dang, I was just heating up. To be continued....

20th Post

This is my 20th post. Ahhh.

For this very special post, I have decided to follow the lead of the influential Big Lee. Trivia!

Who can answer this question?

What famous comedian narrated Thomas the Tank Engine video tapes for much of the 1990s, passing the role on to Alec Baldwin in 1998?

Good luck!

Where's Waldo?

I have taken the time to announce a brand new blog solely for the purpose of publishing compositions from my memoirs. My remnissances. Or however you spell that. The link is:



That's woodybook.blogspot.com everyone. Please read the compostits. I hope that someday a New York hotshot will buy into my crap and publish it in hardcover under the title: Where's Waldo?

That is a picture of the greatest book ever written, The very Holy Bible. The second greatest book ever written is of course the screenpley to Snakes on a Plane. The worst is The Da Vinci Code.

Celebrity Spotlight On: Chuck Norris

Since two of my blogging comrades have blogged about Chuck Norris, it's about time I jump on the bandwagon and blog about him too.

While Big Lee and Edgar Morrison have cited many important facts about the star, there are some vital characteristics which were not touched upon. Norris is an infamous Hollywood Conservative, a phenomenon almost unheard of in out times of Liberal Media bias. This is a prime example of how America can and does beat out the media. Although pressed by his Clooney-esque peers into a state of "F-List" or "Z-List" Hollywood, Norris has something of a cult apeal. A following. A fan bonanza. Facts about Norris rage across the internet in a frenzy of kick-ass.

Another "fact" about Chuck Norris not frequently touched upon is his Christianity. Visit the Official Chuck Norris Site for more details.

In an interview with Time magazine that confronted his uncommon Conservative beliefs, Norris quiped, "If I ever found a Democrat I liked, I'd vite for him too." 'At a boy, Chuck!














I would also like to mention that his SUV is not for tree-huggers.

24 Update

This Monday's episode was intense. The President is a terrorist! How is this possible? If the terrorists listen to the President, are they still considered terrorists? Hmmm. That's a toughie. That may be one for Fidel Giamatti to answer. He proved himself a genius in his denouncing of George Clooney.
Now that the president is a terrorist, there are few the audience can still trust at the White House. Now it's up to Mike Novick, Chief of Staff previously referred to on this blog as "Dick Cheney and Paul Giamatti's love child", to save the day.

I hope those pictures don't come out too fuzzy. Either Mike saves the day, or Jack Bauer blows up the entire country and kicks the president's ass and there are never any problems again.
I just realized something. If the gas is being released in Los Angeles, that means that most of the liberal media's dwelling holes will be destroyed and killed! Wow! Maybe I should start routing for the terrorists. Nah. I have too much Anti-Terrorism in my blood. Plus, George Clooney lives in Italy.

April Fool's Day Asshole of the Year Award

At this time of the year, April Fool's Day, the Waldo J. Cartridge foundation gives an award to the biggest asshole. This year, the foundation unanimously crowned George Clooney not only the biggest asshole alive today, but also the biggest asshole in the history of the world. In fact, he is such an outstanding asshole that he was decided to epitomise the term asshole, be a perfect textbook definition of asshole, and may be up for disscusion as wikipedia's entry for asshole re-direct. Other names mentioned were Osama Bin Laden, Barbara Streissand, Jane Fonda, Michael Moore, Hilary Clinton, Adolf Hitler, and Satan, but Clooney was chosen as far more of an asshole than any of these. One member of the Waldo Foundation, John Guttenhiemer, is fond of Clooney and voted against the choice, but dots were connected proving he was not eligable for voting. Guttenhiemer is a former Communist party member in the USSR. Hint hint. Wink wink.



George Clooney is such an asshole, I just can't get over it. He is just so damn arrogant it disgusts anyone who has ever met him. In fact, doctors have noticed a GCSPS, or a George Clooney Sparked Puking Syndrome, all across the great state of California. Asshole thinks he can be a smartass about polotics. Son of a gun doesn't even live in the United States! He inhabits a villa in Italy which he bought from John freaking Kerry! And now he's on the news because he sold some stuff from award shows to help the hurricane. I want to make this clear: George Clooney gave absolutely nothing to help the hurricane. He simply gave a basket of worthless crap to a random person who in turn gave money to the hurricane. As Jesus tells us, the greatest gift is not from the person who gives the most money, it is from he who makes the biggest sacrifices. That person is certainly not George Clooney. He was probably going to throw that stuff out anyway. I wouldn't take that Oscar garbage is you paid me!

The Waldo Foundation has decided that next year there will be no Asshole award, as no one could possibly uncrown this year's winner. This is an asshole for the ages.

The First Ever Published Experts From the Chapter One of The Waldo J. Cartridge Book

All right, I admit, I tried to publish all 65 pages on Wikipedia before. I decided it was a bad idea.

* * * * * *

“What’s your name, young man?”
“I’m Waldo Cartridge, but I get Woody a lot.”
This was actually the truth. I mean, I can’t lie here, I had a certain tendency for lying about my name. All right, all right, I can’t fool you guys. I like to say my name is Matt Damon and a do a little voice for myself there. But hell, I’m here for an interview, I gotta stay clean.

* * * * * *

And so I’m in my apartment’s little first floor fast food. I got myself a lobster roll and it is mighty fine. Ummmm...lobster works for me pretty well. I like the way the juice drips down your chin...ohhh...lobster. And I’m enjoying myself. You know, maybe Reel-Brothers wasn’t the one for me. I mean, everything happens for a reason, which is always a good thing. I guess god just wanted me to screw up again. Or at least, that’s the way it seems. It always ends up in the toilet. Hell, maybe I’m the only one man enough to look into zoo-keeping as a living anyway, but I’m certainly the only one I know who got elephant-no it was rhino-crap all over my new suit.

* * * * * *
And now look what we have, the whole time I’m wasting good snazzy ones on bearded and apron-ed first floor fast food folks, my damn blackberry’s ringing. Now that is a great invention. The blackberry. Man, oh man, do I love my blackberry. I believe it was invented by some hefty Turkish guy. Yeah, that’s right, I read that in a magazine on the toilet waiting at the barbers. (Damn, that sentence had a lot of prepositions, I’m getting slow here.) And, in a matter of speaking, excuse me, manner of speaking, I told you guys I was getting slow, I’m fricen’ addicted to it. That’s right, the big revelation, the confession of the year, I am an addict. But if you knew your blackberry, you’d be an addict too, I swear on the holy blackberry. Seriously, the thing don’t let you go. Blackberry anonymous, that would be a great club. Maybe I should try that on out as a get rich quick scheme.


All for now. Maybe some more later.

24

I made up a new card game. It's called BlackJackBauer. The players get two cards and try to add their values as close to 24 as possible. If they are over it is called a "bust" and the player is shot above the kneecap and loses. Since it is a peaceful game, we shoot you above the kneecap so you can still walk. The kit goes on sale now, it comes with a labtop computer, a gun, a CTU keycard, Sentox Nerve Gas, and a 24-themed deck of cards. The cards have pictures of characters on them. Jack is a Jack. Bill is an Ace. Chloe is a Queen and Edgar is a king. Lynn McGill is the two of clubs. Audrey is not in the deck because we don't know if she's a terrorist or not yet.

UAE

Did anyone guess them all? The first picture is of the golf clubhouse in Abu Dhabi, where I will soon be reclining with a Cuban cigar and a tabloid, after a really crappy round of golf. It's in the shape of a falcon, as falconry is a real hot sport over there. There's an annual golf tournament in Abu Dhabi, which Tiger Woods is known to attend every year. I would like to take this time to denounce all blasfemous rumors, no, Tiger Woods is not really my uncle.

The next picture is of "The World." It's a bunch of man-made islands in a ambitious real estate campaign. You buy an island, say Australia or something, and build your dream home. That's the idea. The islands are visible from space.

The next picture is of "the palm." Same idea as the world. Yeah, yeah, big deal. The campaign slogan was, "The palm put Dubai on the map. The world puts the map on Dubai." Pretty slick.

The next picture is of a hotel in Dubai in the shape of a giant boat sail. Very swanky, upscale place. Type of place they only let Waldo J. Cartridge and a few catholic women into.

The last picture is an ariel view of the beautiful city of Abu Dhabi.

Did you guess them all? Good. I can't really give you anything, but you get some pretty dangerous bragging rights.

Abu Dhabi

Ahh. The beautiful country of the United Arab Emirates. What a wonderful place to live.

I'M MOVING

It's true. I won't be living at home next year, but I plan to come back the year after that. I can tell anyone more about it at "work" on Monday.

South Park: Guardians of Morality and Quality

Some of you are probably thinking, how can this loser say South Park is so great. Well, if any of thsoe people have been reading the celebrities columns, they can get where I want you guys to get to. South Park is now a conservatives Hollywood haters best friend.

You guys know Tom Cruise, you know John Travolta. Guys who get gigs not because they are good in films but because they're liberal and moderately attractive. They are also scientologists, the absolute wierdest religon on the planet. It involves aliens coming down to earth, jumping on sofas, and having a hippy follow you around EVERYWHERE in a kind of voluntary stalking. Nothing wrong with that, if that's what you believe. I believe Jesus's blood fills up millions of cups around the world every other hour. Except on Good Friday of course. That's just me. But this guy who voices Chef, a character on the show, quits because Mat Stone and Trey Parker want to make fun of scientology. Then a war against the religon starts on the show. I would like to applaud the war effort. I'm not saying I wouldn't be mad if Catholics got dissed on my show, but this Chef guy has stood around and watched millions of people get dissed up, not saying a peep. Even I can make good natured jokes at my own faith, ask my Jewish friend. We have friendly religious humor.

This week Chef got joined a "Club" on the show, one that turns kids into child molesters. (Hmmm...Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?) While his friends tell him not to go, he ends up dying. He falls off a cliff, is burned, stabbed, and mauled apart by a bear. His friends then give him a touching ulogy about how it wasn't his fault he "left" them, and that the club was dangerous and tore him right apart. Very nice. Pretty obvious symblism if you ask me.

As a person, I can see how this material is offensive. As a conservative Catholic American media hater, I cheer the show on.

Annie Proulx: The Woman

This week's entertainment spotlight is on Brokeback Mountain author Annie Proulx. You're probably all thinking, Waldo's a fri'in conservative, how did Brokeback start getting his praise? Is Woody finally coming out of the closet? The answer to those questions is No, no no no. But you're getting close. This week's Time magazine taught me that Proulx can now be considered a hero in the eyes of Hollywood bashers.

In response to her loss on Sunday, Annie had a few words to say to Hollywood bigwigs. I once promised myself never to use words like that in jounalism, I'm sorry, now it's over. She dissed up Crash, letting Paul Haggis know how she felt about it's weak plot and lack of complexity. She dubbed it "Trash". Then she called the Oscars a "small-town talent show night!" Yeah baby! You go girl! After all, in a strong talent show of the like, Paul Giamatti would definitely be worthy of an award. I know, I still haven't even gotten over that one. Then Proulx went on to diss Three 6 Mafia! Wow! When did they get dragged into this one? I love you Annie! It was "artocious!" Go get 'em!




Mafia.






An all around excelent performance, dissing the "dim" crowd of Sunday night biggots. Very good Annie.

24 Update

Oh my gosh, 24 was intense on Monday. Nobody died, and there was all that Collette and Tao nonsense. I thought this episode was going to be a fun ride, a hiatus from all the intensity last couple weeks. If you don't know what that word means, look it up. But then it all came down to the last five seconds, as Don Cheadle reminds us so well on those beautiful NFL playoffs commercials. AUDREY MIGHT BE BAD! EVIL! NAUGHTY! This screws up everything. If this is true, then I am so taking this as an oppurtuity to blame liberal media. Look what they've done already. David Palmer, everyone's favorite president. Democrat. Charles Logan. Weak boy with Dick Cheney and Paul Giamatti's love child as a chief of staff. Republican. I was overjoyed when I found the show made Audrey and her father GOPs. I should have known it was too good to be true.

Audrey might be a TERRORIST!

This season's real unfortunate victim is nice guy Bill Buchanan, in my humble opinion. Bill got cheated away his job for the SECOND time last Monday. I hope black man hero Curtis Manning (and how perfect a name they picked for his character, really) can Section 112 DOHS. (Department of Homeland Security). That's all for this week, maybe I'll update again later. Monday night. Lots of popcorn.

MARCH DAY

March 21st, more commonly known as March Day, is the day in which we celebrate the accomplishments and groundbreaking movements of Million Man March. The Rev. Jesse Jackson was the major organizer of the March, and he is recognized above all others for his keen perceptions and sheer courage as he preached messages of peace, acceptance and love throughout the USA.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Fidel Giamatti vs. Big Lee Feud

This feud between two of my tightest buddies is getting out of hand. They used to be as tight as Paul Lennon's new leather pants. Now, a nasty feud. For the record, this is what Fidel Giamatti really looks like.

This is his mother.

Irish in Entertainment

For the annual St. Patrick's Day Irish in Entertainment Award, there were two individuals we decided to honor.

Brenden Gleeson, an Irish public school teacher turned actor, is the man behind the colorful new Hogwarts professor in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. As his performance was critically acclaimed and certainly a break-out, we agreed unanimously that his contributions were worth recognition.

And of course it goes without saying that Bono stands out among Irish entertainers. 2005-2006 has been a great year for the star, featuring a Time magazine choice as a co-man of the year and a hugely successful night at the Grammies.

St. Patrick's Day

As a proud Irish-American with sexy red locks, St. Patrick's Day is one of the most important days of the year. I wish everyone a happy St. Patrick's Day! Especially Irish people!